Perhaps you’ve read one of these before or something close to it:

***

Masc for Masc

Online

33 years old, Single

White, 5’9”, 175 lbs.

 

What I do

I’m masculine and adventurous and real.

Str8acting, you can’t tell I’m gay til we’re actually doing naughty stuff.  

I’m a good human being, please be the same.

 

What I’m looking for

I like masc, scruffy take-charge toppish guys.  Extra points if you smell like a dude.

Be real and ready to play.  Tired of wasting my time with the “big talkers”.

No femmes.  No fatties.  Must be built/have muscle and own a C-ring.

***

As a cavalcade of tourists descended upon The Big Easy not only for Superbowl XLVII and Mardi Gras; a barrage of gay men both locals and visitors saw a mash-up of available guys on their preferred dating sites and LBS grids.  From across the United States and even globally – New Orleans became a hodgepodge of all types of men.  I’m not sure if was due to the football game bringing with it a king’s ransom of testosterone but suddenly there were hoards of men online with similar headlines to the one above.  With an initial reaction to speculate, I asked myself What does this really mean? and What is this attempting to filter out?

 

My thoughts were to grab five of my closest guy friends in the age 25-34 demographic – as diverse a group as we are in this cohort – hailing from Southern California, Texas, Mexico, Boston and the Philippines; all gay and living in Seattle; to see if we could generally agree on what this refers to.  Clearly, I could drop my two cents on the circumstance quicker than a bootblack could shine my Nocona cowboy boots…  I wanted help though.

 

I recruited some peers for my inquiry and expanded the topic to be inclusive of their experiences and viewpoints.  One evening over a couple of drinks, my buddies began to gesture and charade.  However, these mini-dramas I witnessed were not of mainstream effeminate stereotypes of gay men, but rather of hyper-masculine archetypes rooted in contemporary examples such as the fraternity “bro”, cowboy, construction worker or anyone else working in heavy industry to name some off the cuff illustrations.

I discuss a story of male archetypes in Chosen Costumes: A Halloween Photojournal.

 

What Is He Asking for Really? (Decoding the Personal Ad)

I almost spit out my drink in amusement upon initial review of his profile highlighting his What I Do,

[Line 1] I’m masculine and adventurous and real.

[Line 2] Str8acting, you can’t tell I’m gay til we’re actually doing naughty stuff.  

[Line 3] I’m a good human being, please be the same.

Hmm… it’s nice that these “character traits” are listed but the consensus around the room was that neither of us when talking about sexual and/or romantic partners lists “masculine” as something they are looking for (at least in the personals).  While my scruffy friend from Mexico sipped his beverage and read Line 2 and 3 aloud to the group he also didn’t hesitate to retort with some sass and a faux-hairflip that “I’ll be the judge of that!”

We moved next as a group to the What I’m looking for

[Line 4] I like masc, scruffy take-charge toppish guys.  Extra points if you smell like a dude.

[Line 5] Be real and ready to play.  Tired of wasting my time with the “big talkers”.

[Line 6] No femmes.  No fatties.  Must be built/muscle and own a C-ring.

OK, OK – we get it.  [Line 4]  This guy must like moderate-to-hairy Tops and is likely a Bottom Queen (but can take it like a man).  I’d venture to guess he also enjoys the smell of a man who hasn’t showered?  Or maybe prefers Old Spice as the deodorant on his potential suitors? [Line 5] What’s happening in his conversations with other men that they are not being real to him?  My Texan-raised friend finally stood up at this juncture with an exaggerated drawl indicating how he wouldn’t waste any of Masc4Masc’s time and make sure to give him a proper poke promising how he would not be just another “big tawker”.

[Line 6] Southern California friend was topping off his vodka soda as he shushed the now gregarious group suggesting “As a We-Ho (West Hollywood) native I ain’t trying to hear who is a femme by some insecure guy.”  I posed a question to my crew here,

“Do you think a guy whom we as a group generally agreed as “femme” would read this and think to himself, ‘Dang, I’m not butch enough for this dude!’”?

 

As he tightened in his stomach and puffed out his chest, SoCali Friend said in his deepest most butchy voice advocating for our hypothetical femme guy,

“I’m about that life!  Let me break him off a little sumpin’ sumpin’.”

 

 

We erupted in boisterous laughter at SoCali’s words.  For the final commentary of Line 6, we were in quorum about not looking for fatties either while 2-3 of us side-bared about liking a little padding on the beef; contently facing the fact that the likelihood of any of us ever promoting popsicles and ice cream in a Cazwell video would be very low.  Here, I recalled a bit about my old school hip-hop and wannabe “breakin” days, but yeah probably not for the video.  Amidst our chat, Boston friend yells out loud,

“You mean there’s no parting gift?  He should buy me a damn C-ring!”

 

What Is Masculinity Then?

At the most basic definition we are talking about a set of qualities, characteristics or roles generally associated or pertaining to, a man.

 

Classical Greek and Roman masculinity often make references to physical skill and strength, leadership [military or business] and ability to provide for their families.  We even see the symbol of Mars synonymous of the male sex.

 

 

 

John and Micki Baumann of LoveSedona offer a paradigm of masculine-feminine polarity in a metaphysical sense, exploring the duality of these energies from a standpoint free of stereotypes and social conditioning:

• Essentially, the masculine side comes from a place of strength.  Strength is at the top end of the scale, whereas weakness is at the bottom end.  In contrast, the feminine side comes from a place of goodness.  Here, goodness is at the top end of the scale, whereas badness or evil is at the bottom end.
• You develop the strength of the masculine side by having a deep belief in the value of your own life, and you develop the goodness of the feminine side by having a deep belief in the value of the life of others.
• The balance between the masculine and feminine side is very important.  If you have too much strength for the amount of goodness you have, you can really do a lot of harm to people.  Conversely, if you have too much goodness for the amount of strength you have, then you can do harm to yourself, because you tend to “give it all away”.
• On a more physical level, if you have a strong masculine side, you have the ability to take control of your own life, and if you have a strong feminine side, you have the ability to let go of trying to control the lives of others.  A strong feminine side keeps you from interfering with the choices that others have the right to make for themselves.

 

What’s The Resolution?

Perhaps this fella believes his masculinity is threatened by dating someone who may have a stronger feminine energy?  Thinking critically about the self-proclaimed descriptions, I came to the conclusion that labeling himself as Masc4Masc is indeed a mask he is wearing to actually cover-up what he may unconsciously see is lacking in his traits or energy.  Hence, there is a need to anchor to someone else’s masculinity (4Masc) to bridge the gap from reality and self-perception.

 

But this isn’t an attack on the guy.  We all have some form of protective veneer.  In fact, although I haven’t met him and this one personal ad doesn’t completely describe his character; I can see aspects of myself in him – wanting similar things once we’ve broken it down to what it genuinely is.

Look… I too can appreciate the rugged, bearded, flannel-wearing guy who may be a bit more burly than myself in strength and stature.

 

For our cowboy illustration, Heath Ledger’s character in Brokeback Mountain was a “straight acting” fellow who was a man of few words.  Gruff.  Depicted as a total man’s man exemplifying strength and skill in the outdoors and subordination of horses.  He was also the Top opposite to my other flannel-wearing boyfriend, Jake Gyllenhaal… yours too?  Get in line.

 

But I want someone who can communicate back with me.  Someone who can be direct and clear yet be able to access their cause and concern (goodness) for others.

 

With me, the rough façade gets you my attention and creates the drive and sexual aggression in me to seek you out and get to know you better.  It’s going to be the discovery of an inner sweetness and security in your feminine polarity that will ultimately keep me there.

BALANCE.

John and Micki Baumann, once again, sum it up:

 

Everyone has both a masculine and a feminine side.  This basic polarity is part of you whether you are a man or woman, boy or girl. 

 

We could rewrite this personal ad in a way to more precisely describe what he may be looking for – someone with a strong sense of self, confidence and ability to overcome and achieve would be a great start.

First, however, we must realize that Mardi Gras is over and the Masc4Masc mask needs to come off.

 

XO

VO