I did something over the weekend I hadn’t done in awhile.  Obviously, this could be a variety of things.  What was it then?  The anticipation…

Fill in the blank –

I _______ with my _______.

 

 

Ok, here it goes:

I went out with my straight guy friends to meet women.

Well, I wasn’t there for THAT aspect so to speak.  Last weekend, however, was Guys Night Out or what I’ll also call, What I Learned About & From My Straight Guy Friends.

 

It was a Saturday night just after 9pm and I’d gone over to my friend Ted’s apartment to catch up with him.  We hadn’t seen each other since the middle of December just before he took off on holiday for the last three weeks.  Upon parking my car in the covered garage then walking with him to the elevator, I received a knuckle-bump to the fist and a brisk hug / pat-on-the-back combo making sure to leave a necessary 2-3 inches of real estate between our waists.  A custom of the hetero-males in my cohort I hadn’t completely forgotten about yet.  When we stepped out on the top level of the six-floor apartment building Ted couldn’t contain his excitement about his recent trip to southeast Asia.  Dude, it was so awesome.  There’s just a different mind-set and a way of doing things over there.  When you are in that environment, your behavior changes because of circumstances.

 

For him, I trust it was a definite mind-opening experience.  Although my holiday season did not involve traversing across the Pacific, I nonetheless can hold with unflinching conviction those very same sentiments about that night out with Ted like a steadfast monk in one of the Buddhist temples he had visited in his travels.

 

Walking into his apartment unit, the lights were dimmed low with yellowish streams emanating faintly from the handful of thoughtfully placed paper lanterns throughout the living room.  I recognized the progressive house remix playing from the speakers as I took a seat on the tan microfiber couch.  Ted opened the freezer door reaching for the ice tray and a bottle of Oola Gin.  Two tumblers were already laid out on the marble countertop.  Instantly, I remembered why Ted and I were great buddies – besides mutual friends, passion for travel and an intensity for good food, there was an overall common aesthetic between us.  We enjoyed creating atmosphere and the sexiness that lie therein.  As he rounded the counter taking a seat in the brown leather chair across from me, he handed me the glass – exactly two ice cubes with about one and a half ounces of gin.  A purist for sure without lack of thought for the artisanal skills that went into producing the subtleties of a fine liquor.

Cheers.

He looked me in the eye raising his glass.  Likewise, I did the same and took a swig.

 

Our conversation plotted his trip from Seattle to Ho Chi Minh then Siem Reap and the journey to Angkor Wat.  Riddled through his account of the trip he shared anecdotes about the hotels he stayed at, the people he met and the food and drink he ate and imbibed on among other notable highlights.  But this story isn’t about his adventures abroad.  Rather, it’s about what I observed and/or took away from a night out with the two gentlemen that evening on Capitol Hill.

 

About an hour or so had passed when the phone for the call box at the front door of the building rang.  Ted had invited one of his other buddies over prior to my arrival as they had planned to get out tonight and meet some women.  He walked over to the phone, confirming Manuel was on the other end and buzzed him in.  A couple minutes later, I was opening the front door for this blonde, blue-eyed Spaniard who looked like a bodybuilder who had strayed from his gym.  We shook hands exchanging names now passing through the hallway as Ted grabbed another glass from his liquor cart.  Both greeted each other in a similar manner to the initial acknowledgement Ted and I had in the garage earlier.  Once Manuel was settled with beverage in hand, thus began the mental notes I made to myself about straight guys’ approaches to dating.

 

They are Facebook Stalking Just As Much As We Are

Manuel was on the prowl.  Having recently separated from his Russian wife just under two months ago he was out and about trying to meet new women.  The couple had tried working things out over the last year, but in the end there was ultimately a disconnect with the warmth and expressiveness the Zaragoza born and raised Catholic boy had been brought up with in retrospect to the somewhat guarded reservations of a woman with an Eastern Bloc upbringing.  Although they were separated, they were still Facebook friends and he admitted to checking her Timeline (quite often) to find out whether or not she was seeing some new guy yet.

 

Ted and I could both empathize for the guy as he spoke with a not gay, but Catalonian-lisp.  With Manuel’s face staring down at the cubes in his glass, Ted conceded to spying on this girl he met from a mutual friend (female) of his on her FB page.  He wanted to find out first… if she was single.  There were plans on his calendar to run into this mutual group of friends the following week, so conducting a preemptive background investigation made perfect sense if said lady would be there again.

It minimizes the risk of rejection if the girl’s got a boyfriend.

 

The ‘Guys Night Out’ pre-funk is the straight equivalent of the Braveheart speech

In the film, Braveheart, just before the fearless Scottish rebel leader, William Wallace, goes into battle with his men against the greater numbered English forces he makes a rallying speech that brings his men into the similar morale and headspace that he is in.  My friends were building up their confidence-level with a couple of drinks to psych themselves out before a night on the town.  Although that speech may be fictional, the Battle of Stirling Bridge was real and dashing into battle (bar or club) to meet other available dating prospects has a higher chance of success if one goes in with an assured mindset.

 

“Damn, we’re going to meet some chicks tonight.”

“They’re all going to be up on you, Manuel.  Save some for me.”

 

It was statements like these that were littered amidst our dialogue by the time we were well into our second drinks.

 

Men Still Take the Lead in Any Sexual and/or Romantic Interaction

Our plan was to show Manuel a good time by taking him somewhere he’d never been before.  During my last sip of the remaining gin in my glass, I got a text back from the sweet folks at Knee High Stocking Company confirming the availability of seating for us.  We would have about 15 minutes to get there on time.

 

Ted told us we could leave our glasses on the counter as he grabbed his wool peacoat strewn over one of the dining table chairs.  Our crew departed down Olive Way braving the 28 degree whether while the bright lights of downtown lit up the night sky.  We arrived at the little door of the speakeasy.  Manuel verified we were at the right place seeing the small metal placard appropriately engraved right below the solitary lantern of the entryway.

 

In typical Knee High fashion, we were greeted by the hostess asking if we had reservations.  My story checked out for the RSVP and they kindly let us in.

 

Once she sat us we took a glance at the menu.  I opted for one of Knee High’s imaginative interpretations of my go-to cocktail, Manhattan.  My mood was moving towards something with bourbon and bitters.  Ted stayed in the same vein of clear liquors whereas Manuel threw me a curve ball settling instead, on a pina colada.

 

When our server came by, she checked our IDs and one-by-one took our beverage orders.  I threw in a request for tater tots as insurance for the two gin on the rocks I had prior as I wasn’t sure where the night would lead and could sense a mild pang in my stomach already.  When she finished taking our orders, the pixie-like server leaned into my ear as if she had a secret just for Peter Pan whispering how the ladies at the bar wanted to meet us.  I stole a glance at the four women along the bar stools.  I looked to Ted and Manuel.  The server darted away while the three of us made our nonverbal cues back to each other.  Although she didn’t leave any fairy dust behind, there were certainly now four enchanted maidens peering in our direction from what I could see in my periphery.

 

Uh… you guys.  There is clearly no benefit for me here.  What do you want to do?  Four women and two eligible bachelors.  The odds are ever in your favor, tonight.

 

I slapped Manuel on the back as Ted grinned.

 

Not wanting to be a d-bag, though this was a case of mistaken sexuality, I walked over and said hello to whom I thought was the head-bitch-in-charge (HBIC).  It was a pack of asian yuppie women who may have been displaced from a Belltown bar.  Helen was very outgoing and friendly to me explaining how they all had relocated from out of state and were working for this little dot com in the South Lake Union area.  After exchanging pleasantries with the gaggle, I spoke ahead for my companions:

 

I tell you what, how about we wait for our drinks to arrive at our table then I’ll bring my buddies to meet you and your friends.

 

When I came back to the table, heads were shaking.

 

European Men Have Even Higher Standards 

Dude.  What’d you do that for?  

What?  I was trying to be friendly.  Don’t be so Seattle!

We’re not going over there.

 

Our server came back setting our drinks on the table.  She carried a smug look on her face – maybe because she thought she’d been successful at melting a bit of The Freeze in this circumstance.

 

Nah. ah.

 

0 for 3.

 

Absolutely no interest from me nor my comrades at base camp.

While I enjoyed the delicious irony of Manuel sipping his pina colada and explaining to me how European guys gravitate to very feminine women who juxtapose their own masculinity in addition to how he prefers women with smaller waists and jaw lines, I could not help but check-in with Ted to see what his hang up was with any of the women beckoning for attention.

 

Cute and Sexy Are At Opposite Ends of the Spectrum

They’re just not my type.

What do you mean – Helen was cute?!

That’s the problem, she’s cute… not SEXY!  If I had a red ribbon and put one on each of them, you’d basically have four Hello Kitties drinking at the bar!

 

I exploded with laughter, though Manuel didn’t comprehend the reference.  Ted subsequently switched the subject to the fairly recent Miss Universe pageant, which happened a couple months ago to better illustrate his point.  Ahh… he’s leveling the playing field for me.

 

He went on about the South American runner-ups – Miss Venezuela, Miss Colombia.  Manuel chimed in about the curviness of Miss Uruguay – describing aspects of her that these women fell short of.  Rightly so, Manuel was totally in his place to say those things… with his good looks, Spanish charm and sexy accent I’m sure he could meet other very attractive women (or men) quite easily.

We didn’t approach the women at the bar again nor they did us.

Again, however, Manuel surprised me suggesting we hit up the nightclub, Q.  Unexpected perhaps isn’t the right word.

 

To be continued…