As we kick-off 2013, our outlook for love can be fairly optimistic.  After all, it’s a brave new year with possibility, excitement and the prospect of meeting “the one” is indeed probable.  However, unless we incorporate new thinking along with new habits, not much will really change in our world of dating.  So as we start on a clean slate, I offer some habits or “resolutions” with the intent they provide some benefit not only in your world of dating, but in your personal growth and development as well.

Cheers to a New Year and New Love,

 

XO

VO

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1.  Write him down!

After a string of several relationships a couple years ago I finally decided to write down on paper what I truly wanted out of a relationship.  The fact of the matter is, at the time, I was fairly immature in my experience in the romance department, but I knew whatever it was that I was looking for in terms of relationship, this wasn’t IT.  It was still out there, so at a minimum I thought I should describe this (to myself) to get a better picture of what it was when it came around.  Having been involved in prior relationships with men that were either mediocre, not a match for me or the guys I had dated were just flat out sh*tty boyfriends gave me perspective to put pen to paper.

At first, I thought this was crazy because I’m “open-minded” to meeting a variety of guys.  Sure I was open-minded, but until I’d done some assessment on myself to truly envision what HE would be like (physical, mental, emotional, personality, background) it was going to be rather difficult to recognize him when I was staring him in the face.

Writing it down… hmm… so how specific you may wonder?  For me, I was fairly precise in the things that were important to me when it came time to thinking about the guy whom I wanted to date on a regular basis.  In essence, I described my ideal partner.  It was a thought-provoking exercise for sure.

Let’s start with physical – yes you can totally write that down.  It’s not shallow at all.  We want what we want.  Go ahead girl… order the lobster.

Being of a height that is not as tall as “average”, I wrote down “Equal to or taller than me.”  I also wrote “greater in stature/weight” than I am because I happen to be attracted to this  kind of guy in general.  I’m already not that large of a guy (being of mixed Pacific Islander descent), so anyone smaller would kind of make a pairing (with me) odd in my opinion.  I don’t particularly care if someone is blonde, brown-haired, etc. so I left that out, however, if that’s your thing by all means write it down.  You may only be attracted to Asian men so write ‘Asian’.  Maybe “good teeth” or rather “smile that lights up the room” is a more exact physical trait you desire as well.

I also put down “Handsome”, but that’s subjective to me and for you.

Character traits were definitely paramount in what I composed as well.  “Loves Himself”, “Trustworthy”, “Reliable”, “Not a procrastinator” and “self-confident” also made the cut.  I also desired someone who is “intelligent”, yet “easy-going and/or laid back” because knowing myself I tend to vibe with guys who are more chill or even-keeled.

A few other highlights in this “ideal partner” also included: good relationship with his family, sense of philanthropy/service to others, have some form of a spiritual life.

Once I got this on paper, I gained a good reference point of what I wanted.  Generally speaking, it’s a great way to figure out moving forward if the folks you are meeting are fulfilling expectations, which are pre-conceived (you’ve written them).

 

2.  Limit Use of Location Based Services (LBS) apps such as Grindr and Scruff

Ok, ok.  I got some initial flack from friends about this who are quite religious with their mobile apps checking their phones more often than necessary several times a day.  Let me say first and foremost I am not a hater of these apps.  In fact, I’ve used them before and have had “success” meeting new people in my area and when I’ve been traveling to other locales.  I’ve even made ACTUAL friends from messaging back-and-forth with other guys on them.  A very good friend of mine has met his current boyfriend on it.  So this isn’t a rant on using Location Based Services to see “whose nearby”.

One thing I can tell you is that they are a DISTRACTION.  There’s a very specific notification sound when using Scruff, which basically became like audio crack to me when I initially started using the app service.  I’d be going through my day or even at home being involved with whatever project I was working on then BAM!  The notification sounds off and I’m like, “Ooh!  Who is blowing up my spot?”  And rather than finish what I’m doing I’d feel like I have to see what the message is about NOW… not LATER.  Perhaps you may have more discipline than I do when it comes to using any of these apps.  More power to you.

Another aspect of using our modern day technologies to communicate is the erosion of our own skills as conversationalists.  More and more often guys are hiding behind text, IM, chat, email and other impersonal communication mediums because there’s a perception of less emotional risk of rejection than in real life.  Well, this may be true but no deals are closed online and you also lose out on “the chase” of the other guy as well as most of the meaning behind communication since more than 60% is non-verbal.  There’s also no seduction in that.

But if you are sincere about really meeting a great guy for dates rather than a hook-up, then it may behoove you to think about the real intention of this marvelous work of technology.  Also, if you were on a date with someone whose Scruff notifications went off while you were on the date, how would you feel?

 

3.  Accept all invitations to social events

This one is especially true for all of my Seattle-transplant readers.  If you’ve been here for less than a year and haven’t made friends with many locals, don’t fear because you are in the same boat with most folks who’ve relocated to the Emerald City.  Many of the citizens here can be friendly, but colder than the Ice Queen of Narnia.  It’s the Freeze.  You’ve heard about it.  Now what to do?

Play the numbers game and accept every invitation you possibly can, which will get you out there meeting people.  You’ll be meeting single men, coupled men and everything in between.  At the same time, these guys are getting to know you, your relationship status and can even think about who they know whom you might be a match for.  So go ahead and go to that birthday party of your friend’s friend cousin, which you were invited to.  You never know who is going to be there.

 

4.  Watch less TV

When you are watching other people’s lives, you are not living out your own.  This is so true I don’t even know where to begin.  If your regular routine involves work, gym, dinner and TV with some bouts of happy hours after work here and there then welcome to the typical world of the young, gay, urban professional.  Most days when I ask acquaintances whom I’ve met and see every now and then how things are going, the most common answer I get is, “Not much.  Just working.”  Well, it may just be a social norm to get that kind of response and I’m usually not satisfied there because I find people incredibly interesting.  So I like to dig.  But even after digging a little deeper I find that they have been watching A LOT of TV.

I thought I might hear of a cool project someone was working on like refinishing an awesome antique find or how they spent wonderful time with their family during the week or went to the art museum and saw an inspirational exhibition.  Nope.  They just watched some TV.

Womp womp.

Don’t take this the wrong way because I also enjoy tuning-in to Downton Abbey whenever I need to unwind after a long day, but we all need to watch less TV even it means we won’t get to see as much of Dan Stevens brood around Downton’s grounds with his dashingly good looks and British charm.

For one thing, watching less TV definitely makes you more interesting (if not just for the sake of conversation) than just talking about what happened on ‘The Bachelor’ the night before because instead you might be reading more books or spending your time in more productive ways.  For another, I’d rather hear a story when I’m on a date about someone who was doing genealogy research on their family or planning out a trip to Africa than just telling me what was on the tube the evening before.  ‘Interesting’ makes me interested and certainly will for the guys you meet wherever you are.

 

5.  Shift your reference group or sphere of influence(rs)

If you are serious about your relationships then it’s seriously time to rethink who you are spending the majority of your time with.  Late in 2011 I had to cut off a relationship with someone whom I believed was a fairly good friend of mine due to a falling out of sorts.  When I looked back on the relationship, I realized that I had been carrying this person through much of their self-confidence issues and although they were well-intentioned when hanging out with me, I decided that this relationship no longer served me.  This friend had been perpetually single since I’d known them and something about removing them (and their energy) from my life – a couple weeks later I met someone whom I ended up dating for several months who has otherwise become a good friend to me today.

There’s another group of friends whom I would spend countless hours at the bars with.  But when I looked at these same friends I realized that they’ve been single for all these years or hadn’t held onto a long-term relationship nor did I sense a desire for that.  We would jokingly make fun of each other for being a “slut” for taking someone home the night previous the next time we saw them.  If this behavior is really the direction I wanted to go, then I’m sure it would’ve made sense to stick around with these guys.

It wasn’t.

What does this mean then to shift my reference group?  In some cases, it’s one of those cold turkey scenarios where you may need to cut off those “friendships” altogether depending on how much they influence you.  For most, the resolution means to simply reduce the time spent with a particular group of friends and/or relatives who aren’t helping you to get where you want to be and increasing the time you spend with those who model the behavior or have the results you are after.  Me, what I did was spend more time with my gay coupled friends in wholesome activities.

Just as the saying goes (and I suppose some science has shown) how our income levels tend to be similar to those whom we spend most of our time with, so do our results in the arena of love/romance.

 

6.  Get Ye To The Gym

Health and physical fitness are on at least 75% of people’s New Year’s resolutions.  There’s the obvious reason of wanting to look good, so that you are more attractive and are able to get “first looks” and “first conversations”.  Not only do you look better, you also feel better.  Exercising releases endorphins that help regulate our mood (confidence), sleeping cycles and energy.  The next time you see someone where you otherwise would be nervous to talk to them, you may find yourself feeling a lot better about yourself and decide to have that first hello instead.

 

7.  Get Involved with a New Activity

Besides the benefits of a new skill or hobby, taking a class is an excellent way to meet new people.  It may be a cooking class, a meet-up for a particular interest group like photography (of men in flannel), or even a team sport.  Late last year I participated in a writing class to improve in my own writing endeavors.  Needless to say, I had a great time with a group of new men whom I otherwise would have never met while expanding my skills as a writer.  Along the way I got to know a few very talented guys who I now can call fairly good acquaintances.

 

8.  See a therapist and/or marriage counselor (or life coach)

This is what I like to call ‘cleaning out the cobwebs’ because no matter where you are in relationships, EVERYONE can benefit from a little therapy.

One common misconception for a lot of people is that going to see a therapist must mean that one is crazy or has a lot of emotional baggage.  True – there are folks like that for whom counseling would definitely help.  But the fact of the matter is we all have baggage.  ALL OF US!  And every year we pack on just a bit more baggage while experiencing this thing called life.

You might say, “Oh, I talk to my friends about relationships!”.  Yes, I do too.  You may also say, “I’m fine, I don’t need it.”  Uh uh… no you ain’t!

There’s nothing like having an objective third-party to call you out on your sh*t if in fact you are repeating cycles of behavior which don’t help you reach your end goals both in relationships and life.  By seeing a therapist you may identify that you tend to choose the “wrong” kind of guy over and over again or when you get into relationships, why you tend to be unable to commit or feel satisfied being with just one guy.  Perhaps you may experience a paradigm shift by perceiving areas in your past relationships where you were easily angered – previously having no knowledge of why you got mad whatsoever.

So go ahead and schedule yourself a “session”.  You’ll thank yourself for it later on.

 

9.  Clear Out Old Stuff, Put On The New

Moving into the new year, I like to practice getting rid of old stuff.  Sometimes, this means looking at all of your stuff – even things the Ex may have given you and tossing it.  Now if he gave you an iPhone, don’t throw that away… it’s an iPhone for pete’s sake!  You may, however, still have old clothes or DVDs/CDs he bought you or something like that.  Those are things that need to go.  Believe it or not, those objects carry with them the energy and intent of the past, so if you are still holding on to them they may just bring back memories that are not in alignment with how you see them or yourself.

Personally, I get rid of my “fat clothes”, which is all of my apparel that either doesn’t fit in a flattering way or I don’t feel exceptionally sexy in.

I also throw away old underwear or put on new bed sheets.  I did both for this year (I really wanted these flannel bed sheets for the cold weather).  Anyway, this is more of a symbolic ritual for me in the sense that I view this as a “clearing” of my sexual past and putting on the new clean slate for what’s to come.

 

10.  Read at least one Book on Relationships, Self-Improvement or Communication

I like to believe that I’m a lifelong learner – always seeking to experience new things and improve and grow myself throughout my life.  Relationships are one of the most rewarding parts of the human experience.   So if I can get better at being in one or learning from other people’s perspectives, then I am all about that.  One book I found to be particularly useful in examining my relationships was “A Path To Love” by Deepak Chopra.

This Amazon Editorial review describes it well,

“In an era when people are relying on gimmicky rulebooks for snagging a date, it’s refreshing to read a book that reminds us to dip our empty hearts into the wellspring of spirit. Only then will we be able to fill our lives with the love we long to give and receive. Although Deepak Chopra’s message isn’t new, his delivery is eloquent and original. The built-in questions and tests about projection, sexuality, and attachment are as helpful as a weekend couples workshop. Those who aren’t in a relationship, but long to be, are invited to forego the cute tricks to entice a date, and instead ignite the passion of spirit, which naturally draws moths to the flame.”

 

Definitely, it’s with an open-mind that we can approach all of these resolutions in the New Year.  If it’s just a handful of these or even just one, which may help to improve yourself and coincidentally your dating life, then I am most humbled that I have been able to put something out there that has helped to shift your perspective for the better.